I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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