in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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