Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
