I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
