Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
