I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
