Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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