walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So much rum. So many feels.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
