dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I need to stop coming to work sober
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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