Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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