Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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