You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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