I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
