why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
