umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Welp...herpes.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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