they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
