He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
