the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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