he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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