New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
