You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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