Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
