I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
it glows. i had to have it.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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