Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.