I heard we made out
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me