my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
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She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
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On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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