Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
