I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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