I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
