Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Dick very happy bro
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
