State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
