i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
