He disabled his match.com account in front of me
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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