I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
