nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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