I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
