What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
