This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
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She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
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You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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