The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
