I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
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Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
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Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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