Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I could make wine with my vomit
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
