I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
