I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
