So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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