Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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