did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
