I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
