I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
