I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
