I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
hell yes lets make some ravioli
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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