went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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