I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
