My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
