Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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