If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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