I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
