Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
