ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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