So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i now understand why vodka
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
